Reconstruction, Recovery, and... Remission?

Hey guys!

So, the last few days have been pretty big for me. I'm going to start off with the big news of the results... INCONCLUSIVE!!

WHAT?!?! Craziness! Although it's super frustrating and kind of devastating to NOT hear the word remission yet, I will say that I actually feel pretty good with the results though! My oncologist told me that everything was clear except for an area in my right cheek. It lit up super bright. Which could be cancer, of course, but she suspects that it's infection. This is an area that has given me gigantic problems. I wake up so swollen and in pain more days than not, it's always burning hot, it's so tight. All of these things make me feel like it really could be infection. Yesterday I had my dad with me at the appointment and he really made me feel good about what my oncologist said. I'm so glad he was there because I think I would be having a much harder time after not hearing the word remission if he hadn't been with me. I say all of this because it was super disappointing to not hear it. I've been explaining to people what was said and it's actually really helpful, because for that moment I feel positive. Then I remember I still have to wait and it just hits me again. This uncertain feeling. And that's when I pray and I feel way more at peace. What I'm really trying to say is: I didn't get to hear that beautiful word remission yet, but I believe, I KNOW, I will soon, and when I despair about it, I pray again and remind myself that I'm strong like my mom and God will take care of me.

Speaking of my mom, today is the 4th anniversary of her death from Leukemia. I miss her immensely. Sometimes, during all of this, I have found myself just wailing, wishing she were here with me. She would've been so amazing. Selfishly, I really wish she were here. But I'm on the other side now, and I understand her fight and journey a little bit more. And even though I wish she were here and I miss her immeasurably, there's nothing that makes me happier than knowing she is free of this pain and is no longer fighting; she is living in perfect peace with the Lord. And THAT stops me in my tracks every time I think of it and I am overwhelmed with emotion. I am so grateful that she is no longer in pain, and that makes me happier than I thought possible. It's kind of crazy how intense my emotions are now. And I was super emotional before, ask my friends and family!!

Speaking of friends and family, what an awesome group of them I have! While I wish my mom were here of course, I have had no shortage of love and support and kindness from so many people. It has made a gigantic difference in my recovery. It has helped me not feel alone when all I'm feeling is alone. It has helped me feel like myself when I'm not feeling like myself. It has helped me stay positive when I'm not feeling positive. I have truly been blessed with an awesome support system. Anyone out there who is going through cancer as well, I hope that you have a system like I have. And if you don't, reach out and I will be part of yours!

I am having surgery on Friday to close two holes in my nose and mouth (I still don't know what time, does that drive y'all as crazy as it does me?! lol), and hopefully my awesome surgeon will be able to ensure that it's infection, get in there, clear everything out, and fix it! I am so ready to focus on reconstruction and recovery. It's time. I say it that way because of my diagnosis. Last blog I briefly touched on the fact that this will be a lifelong fight for me. Adenoid Cystic Carcinoma has one goal and that is to kill me. Bottom line. It's a scary thought. Cancer in general is a terrifying thing. But with this, I know that I will be facing it forever. But here's the deal guys: it could be 5, 10, 15 YEARS before it recurs! And because I know it's coming back but there's a huge possibility it won't be for a long time, I want to finish this phase and get started with my life again! I want to feel great until that day comes that I hear those words again. I want to CELEBRATE LIFE! So this surgery on Friday is really, really important for me. It could change so much. It could make eating a little easier again (still no teeth, but more about that later!), it could make me feel a little more at home in my skin by taking swelling and inflammation away, it could take a great deal of daily pain away. And it could bring me to that word that I am yearning to hear: REMISSION.

This picture is from a photo shoot I recently did and I'm posting it because I'm learning to love the new me, inside and out! :)

And this picture is of me and my beautiful mom!

Have a great end of the week and weekend. I might hop on tomorrow but if not, I will see y'all after surgery!