Keeping Hope Alive :)

Hey guys!

Why is it so hard to put your feelings down in words when they run through your head all day long, aching to get out? 

I feel like I say this each post, but it cannot be helped because that’s the way things are! Being someone who loves to write, I never dreamed it would be this hard to share myself with others. I’ve never thought of myself as shy, and I’m pretty much an open book with my friends and family. But I’ve noticed that these past couple of years I’ve sort of turned into myself. And not just when I’m trying to write. It’s pretty much all the time. I am at the point where I’m avoiding human contact. I get so frustrated because that’s not me, but it is me right now. And it makes me feel like an intruder in my own body and mind. I’m not sure how to express it correctly, but I guess it’s as simple as I don’t feel like myself and it makes me shut off even more. 

I’d like to say that physically everything is fine, but that’s not the case and it’s the crux of my mental state, in all honesty. My right cheek is pretty much always swollen and get this, you can touch it and FEEL the implant! It’s pretty wild! But of course, every time I wash my face or brush my (bottom, lol) teeth or moisturize, I touch it and it hurts and it just reminds me of how different things are now. And that’s okay. I’m just in a place right now where I’m struggling some. I know I’ll get out of it, it’s just rough at the moment. I’m bleeding a lot, pretty much every day, and it gets frustrating because I don’t want to leave the house and then have to excuse myself constantly to take care of that. So I isolate. I haven’t even gone to my sister’s house in a while and while she’s busy, there have been plenty of times where I could’ve gone and simply didn’t. And that is such a safe zone for me and so I get so mad at myself that I haven’t gone and then just feel lower and lower. It’s a hell of a cycle and I know I have to pull myself out of it. 

I’ve been fighting with Medicaid pretty much every day and that doesn’t help. They’re not covering my medication so I’ve been paying out of pocket. They’re not going to cover my reconstruction so I’m trying to figure out how to get the money for that. I have some amazing friends that are trying to get something organized for me so please be praying that it happens and I can get my reconstruction done soon! 

It’s like I’m in limbo and I’ve been here for years now. Literally years. It’s so strange to think about that. I’m so thankful that we got the cancer out, and it’s like I tell my family and friends… if this is my new normal, I will learn to deal with it. But we are trying to get me a new jaw and palate and teeth and so with that hope I go through each day with expectations. And I believe it’s going to happen, I know I need to keep the faith and that God has an awesome plan for me. But it’s so hard as a human to not get impatient and wonder why this is happening and why it’s taking so long! Patience is still the key my friends and some days I’m a master and other days I’m a mess! lol. I can always feel a difference when I'm not trusting God to take care of things, so I pray that my faith continues to grow so it can help me through this gray era.

March is a busy and exciting month for me though, so pray that my body, mind, and spirit stay strong and happy so I can enjoy everything! We’re going to see my brother and his family, we’re going to Universal, I’m going to a concert in San Antonio with a friend, and I’m going to Nola to see a comedian with my sister, so it’s a full and fun month! 

I’m not sure the purpose of this post, lol, I guess I just wanted to say hey and connect a bit. I really hope that you’re doing well and I will do my best to keep you updated on what’s going on over here and keep the hope alive!